This new job is wearing me out.
Late at night, I’m stressing over all the decisions that could alter the lives of employees, borrowers, business owners and shareholders. One false move and the global economy goes swirling down the tubes.
Running billion dollar financial institutions is not an easy task. To tell you the honest truth, I don’t feel qualified for this responsibility. What a relief to know you’re helping out. Which reminds me, did you run last week’s spreadsheets? Call the guy in the mail room if you need more ink and paper.
It doesn’t matter that you have no experience in the financial industry. When Congress passed that humongous bailout, all of us taxpayers earned seats on the board of directors.
Mr. Bank President, I’d like to see you in my office ASAP.
Perhaps the most difficult task is hiring a new chief executive officer. I’ve been poring over the resumes and portfolios of two job candidates for so long, I’m tired of both of them. But it’s not a position to be taken lightly. The new hire will control not only the world’s largest army, but the nation’s banking system. I think George Washington just turned over in his grave.
The next State of the Union address will likely include pie charts and earnings projections.
The most frustrating thing is the CEO won’t come up for a performance review for four years. The junior executives will be up for review in two years, but some not for six. There’s a good possibility the company will need to do some “right sizing” before then.
The new job does have its perks. I’m keeping bankers hours. I just have to do that after I get done with my regular job. It’s necessary to keep this job in order to meet payroll, which in the past was referred to as taxes.
I’m looking forward to voting myself a hefty bonus. Last week, AIG had the payouts to its executives frozen. The former CEO was expecting $69 million. Since I’m still new at this, half of that amount will be satisfactory.
I’ll be looking over all loan applications personally to see if a home theater system is really a legitimate reason to go into debt or if someone making $25,000 can afford a $3,000 house payment.
We need to get some better press so The Street will raise the value of our stock. I guess I can add that to my to-do list, as well.
This new job is so much stress, I could really use a weekend at the spa. I’m going to have the secretary call the guys at AIG and see if they can recommend one.
